Craving

Surprisingly, I'm not referring to a pregnancy craving here.

Think back in your life in the times when you can identify traveling through the valley. You know, times when circumstances seem bleak, you may be questioning "Why' certain things are occurring, and if you are anything like me (scary thought, perhaps) at those time you crave the Lord. You crave His word, time with Him, and do whatever you can to feel His presence.

Thinking about a particular time?

Well then, fast forward from that time to one shortly after, when the circumstances that caused your travel through the valley had changed - maybe a month or two after coming out of your valley. Did you still crave the Lord?

I hope you did.

Unfortunately, I find myself falling into an unhealthy pattern with regard to my personal peaks and valleys. During the 'valley-times' I am consistent in my quiet time, I seek God's guidance in virtually everything, stay in contact with people who can and will pray for me and hold me accountable, and have conversations in my head with Him almost all day long, trying to discern His guidance and grabbing hold of His promises. I understand my NEED for Him desperately during these times because my circumstances are simply too much for me.

But then something changes.

It certainly isn't Him, because He doesn't change. So the change that occurs must lead back to me. I change. When my circumstances aren't so bleak, when He's brought me out of yet another valley, I change. My attitude changes. My focus changes. For some strange reason, I feel like I can handle things on my own and I don't NEED Him as much. I don't seek Him as much, and my spiritual-discipline slowly fades away.

How crazy is that?

The very guidance, strength and promises that I NEED during the valleys are the same guidance, strength and promises I NEED when my circumstances have changed and He's now placed me on the top of the mountain. I NEED Him in all situations.

Is it any wonder that He continues to allow me to go through valleys, since it is during those times I'm closest to Him?

I will meditate on all your works and consider all your mighty deeds. - Psalm 77:12

Lord, help me to draw closer to you not only in the valleys of my life, but in times when my arrogance and self-sufficiency rise up and I feel I can make it on my own. Help me to remember that no matter what my circumstances may be, that my need for you never changes.

Stepping Out

So I mentioned that the Lord has been speaking to me about venturing out in a specific direction.  To sum it up, I feel like I'm supposed to be using the situations that He's led me through in a more public way to help others.  You know, allow others to try and learn from my mistakes and experiences by illustrating God's help in getting through those various situations.

Well, I have been thinking on this for over a month, and I have come to realize why this has been such a struggle for me.  Is struggle the correct word?  I've been stagnant in this venture, but still feel called to move in that direction.  Let me clarify, I have figured out at least one reason, er...excuse, that I'm allowing to impede this journey. 

You see, many of the situations that I'm more comfortable sharing about that I've been through I consider "not my fault".  Dealing with postpartum depression - not my fault.  Struggles with raising strong-willed children - not my fault (or at least not ALL my fault).  Balancing breastfeeding while working full-time - not my fault, well, it was my choice, but really no 'fault' in that situation.  Losing one of the twins with this current pregnancy - not my fault (and yes, many of you are now probably scratching your head, saying, 'huh?' It's a story to come.)  I can handle discussing those issues, because I feel like the Lord has helped me through those issues when I was struggling, but I wasn't necessarily struggling because of my choices - or should I say my sin.

Because that's really why I've not moved forward with the one story that's already written - and has been for almost a month now.  What I went through and wrote about in that story was a clear result of my sin.  And although God led me through it and I'm a better person now because of the lessons He taught me then, I still find it difficult to discuss in a wide-open setting.  And the various possibilities for using the story I've written will all be in a wide-open setting, with my name attached.  My sin exposed.

The bottom line - I'm scared.

I have wrestled with asking myself this question, "What is it that I'm scared of?"

Here's what I've discovered, or at least what I've admitted to myself.

• Despite the fact that many people who know me might say that I'll do whatever without worrying about what people think, I DO actually worry about what people think. 
• I'm worried that people will judge me for my actions and question my decisions.
• I'm scared that I'll be embarrassed.
• I'm scared that people will look at and/or treat my differently.

But you know what, it shouldn't matter to me what other people think as long as I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing.  What God has asked of me to do.

Even if people think less of me.
Even if people judge me.
Even if people questions my decisions.
Even if I'm embarrassed.
Even if people look at and treat me differently.

That should not matter to me, so long as I place my trust in the Lord and follow what He's asking me to do.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not unto your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths. - Proverbs 3:5-6

I don't understand why I have gone through some of the things I have, but it's not for me to understand.  It's for me to simply trust that I went through, am going through, and will go through things in my life for a reason.  Those reasons may be revealed to me in time, but there is also just as likely of a chance that they will not.

And I need to be ok with that.

I need to be ok with doing WHAT God tells me to do, WHEN He tells me to do it, regardless of whether or not it makes sense to me.

Will you pray with me as I travel this road?

Prayers for Guidance

Originally posted on 4/13/10 on my Our Life blog.

The Lord has been speaking to me about writing.  (Don't laugh, while you're taking into consideration how much the blog gets updated - or doesn't).  But I came across a website tonight and am going to pray and ask for guidance on whether or not I'm supposed to tweak and submit an article I wrote about a week or so ago.

In case you're wondering, the opportunity currently in front of me and something I just discovered was the submission process for Proverbs 31 Ministries magazine.

Pray with me for guidance?